Feeling the Fear and Doing it Anyway

I was lucky to be given the gig to Dj for Ecstatic Dance at the Yoga Barn.

This was the first Sunday Dance of the New Year and I had received an email from one of the powers that be saying basically I wasn’t good enough and this would be my last gig in so many words or less.

So the performance pressure was on! It was truly an interesting experience as I was able to witness my mind and behaviour’s being driven by my need for approval, especially from the masculine.

My inner saboteur rose to the occasion and decided to take up residency in my face as I tried to create my playlist. Something I have done a million times and somehow those words made it near impossible to create. The night before the gig after finally creating my set, I fell into a comatose state and woke sweating after “one of those dreams”!

You know, the ones where everything imaginable that could go wrong, does! Like trying to plug in the sound system and realizing you have the wrong adapter, and people start arriving and throwing rotten tomatoes at you and then you go to press play and nothing happens! Yeah! one of those dreams or should I say nightmares!!

I awoke in a sweat abruptly and was relieved it was only a dream… I got up and decided to double check all my leads, computer, mixer and set just to make sure everything was good to go!

Well I got to the Yoga Barn, set up, my beautiful alter, plugged everything in, placed a baby tree in the center of the huge empty space and offered some prayers, where soon some 200 people would be dancing like nobody was watching and sweating their own prayers in ecstatic expression.

Then the nightmare became reality! Sound check and NO SOUND!!! Not even a buzz! People started arriving and as a solution I was forced to plug my iPhone in and just start some music as I panicked and my dear brother and fellow amazing Dj helped me sort it out!

OMG the tension and anxiety I felt was overwhelming! Ridiculous, I know, and a part of me was just witnessing and also realizing in that moment how powerful are my thoughts. I dreamt this!

I CREATED THIS OUT OF MY DEEPEST FEARS!!

After my anxiety of no sound for a moment, my heart was beating so loudly there was no mistaking where it was and as the music I had prepared so carefully, finally started spilling out onto the dance floor and bodies transformed into sweaty vortices of cosmic energy, my heart skipped to the beat in pure relief and celebration and I could enjoy the moment!!

It was such a powerful reminder to be mindful of what I am projecting consciously and unconsciously as we are always creating intention and these desires do manifest! My inner saboteur was taking advantage of the situation and prancing around on the center stage singing at the top of her lungs, “See, he was right, you can’t do this!”

Needless to say the set went off and the feedback from many was “now that was truly an ecstatic ecstatic dance!” I do not profess to be a top-notch super Dj, but I do know something about taking people on a journey and making them dance from the inside out!

Another lesson, will I give my power away to one person’s opinion and take it as truth or will I let my self receive the abundant appreciation that’s here for me?

I witnessed how I can either crumble in the face of critics or rise to the occasion to improve my game. It also provided an opportunity to see how that inner saboteur whom I thought I had fired from my centre stage long ago was still lurking backstage eager for any opportunity to leap into the spotlight!

My New Years Intention was to really listen to my heart and cultivate gentleness and loving kindness to myself & give more nurturing time to myself. 2017 was a huge year of giving and supporting others nothing makes me happier, however like everything I need to find a balance.

Once again a golden opportunity to be vigilant and bring even more awareness to the monkey mind always looking for avenues of distraction! I realized I can either be my own best friend or my own worst enemy. I think we all battle with this one in this dualistic reality that makes us all a little schizoid at times. The only way out of this I have found is to just LET GO and trust my heart!!